Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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