mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
