He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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