I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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