I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
