Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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