**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
