I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
