Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
