Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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