Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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