if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
