pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
