Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
