I wish I could teleport
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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