No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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