I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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