the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
