Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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