absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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