This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
