he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
