When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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