i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
