your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
