sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
