my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
