I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
