how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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