i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Still dying that you shit outside
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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