I want you more than these girls want KFC
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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