she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
