She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
