can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Still dying that you shit outside
I supernannyed him into submission
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
