Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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