I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
