she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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