Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize