capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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