proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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