if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
