He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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