i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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