Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
