3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
