dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
