I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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