Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
