I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
