sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
