I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
