You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
