If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
