I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
NoShamevember. You game?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
