I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
